I don’t know what to do to make you understand.
The lies you told, the things you said.
You can never take back or undo what’s been done.
I will never forget and if I ever forgive, it will be for me, not you.

I can never forget you, that is true.
But there will be a time when I look back without such pain.
They say everything happens for a reason.
I’m just waiting for the day I see the reason for this.

I wonder if I should write you, explain everything and how I feel.
But then I remember I have done that far too many times.
It didn’t work then so, why would it now?

Why waste the time on you.
Why put myself there, where I could keep talking to you.
I don’t want to go there again, where I think you have changed.
Let you in just to be hurt.

I know myself all to well.
“I’ll just send this and tell him how I feel and to leave me alone, wait for the reply and be done for good this time”
It never works that way.
You always know the way to get me to keep talking to you.
I don’t want to give you that anymore.  

I need to learn from the past and not let myself go back to you again.
No more chances, no more “maybe this time he has  gotten it and changed”

I’ve been there to many times.

I hope to someday look back and think, “I thought that would never end, but it did, and I’m so glad it did”

I haven’t written anything on here in a while and today wasn’t a very good day so I guess it’s a good day for a write.

As most people know I am a type ONE diabetic, I put the one in caps because I don’t want to be confused with type two as it is not the same at all and I’m sick of people thinking it is. I didn’t get it from not eating right, or any of that its just from my body not making insulin no longer, a lot of very skinny people have it even so yeah.

Anyways, I just moved out of Freshell, ops I mean Fresno the end of May I believe it was. Some how even with my mom being as on top of all the medical stuff as she always is,  she’s that way because she knows what she’s doing when it comes to dealing with medical stuff because of my brothers and I have all been in ICU at one point. My older brother has health issues, I have type one and my little brother has had his blood sugar drop really low and such, (hopefully my sister will be greatly healthy and never have issues like that). Still some how our coverage got messed up when we moved and she has been dealing with trying to get it fixed since like late last week. Its government medical because we haven’t been able to afford the cost of anything else recently. I am on her stuff because I am under 21 still. So with it being messed up it meant we had to pay for meds out of pocket a few times because I need insulin to be able to live, we ended up getting reimbursed though at least. But with the medi-cal I also have something called CCS and its something for people under 21 with major illnesses that don’t have the money for the stuff. That also I guess got messed up and now I think its fixed but I ended up not getting some of my supplies in the time before the prescription expired or something so they needed the doctor to approve it. I don’t have a new doctor here yet because of the insurance mess so they had faxed it to my doctor down in Fresno. She is pretty much a bitch, I’ve never really liked her she had told me how cake decorating (what I want to do for a living) is not a real job and all kinds of things. But I kept going to her because she knew about type one diabetes and has it herself. Well now I find out she’s a huge bitch, she denied the stuff! She knows I need it to live and she does that? why? I don’t know it takes her just as much time to put deny as approve.  I’m not asking for fucking hardcore drugs or anything its just SUPPLIES FOR MY INSULIN PUMP THAT I NEED TO LIVE! I get it that I moved and I would have a doctor here to do the stuff but I don’t yet because of insurance. Its really nothing I did, I mean she could have even at least called and told us “hey I’m not going to do this you need to find someone else” or something so we would at least KNOW. Or even “hey if you want it you need to come in” Yes it would have been a bitch move still but deny it and say nothing? Wtf? Then when my mom called her she says “I guess I can do it one more month” and was a total bitch even after my mom explained the whole thing with the coverage being mesed up. She says how “that’s why you need to be responsible” or some shit and how ”and then theres people like you that get it all covered for free” its like really lady? some people don’t have the money to pay for good insurance! Sometimes people need help because they aren’t DOCTORS, they don’t have money for everything always. Also maybe free but its not like you just get it by asking. My mom had to do a lot to get it and deal with a lot to get it. I can’t believe this lady works with diabetic KIDS for a living and acts so bitchy. Also she is a type one diabetic herself so she knows how hard it is, or I would think so anyways. I feel like because she thinks she can she treats people bad, is rude and says things about jobs they want and things that really is nothing to do with her. I have news for her, being a doctor doesn’t make you a god or better than ANYONE else. Its not ok to treat people that way and I hope she takes a good look at things she does and says one day. She said things to my mom about how lucky we are to get the coverage we have because its free, well bitch you’re lucky because you have the money you need to live and get good benefits so that’s why you don’t get it free. Just because its free doesn’t make it good either, it sucks to deal with everything getting fucked up all the time because the people don’t know what their doing half the time. So shut up about it, some people need some help, I’m 20 years old, how am I going to get the money to pay for all the things I need to live? I have to deal with life as a type one diabetic why should I have to be having to pay a shit ton of money because of that? I didn’t want to have this and its bad enough I have to live with it I don’t need money worries or the worries I won’t get my meds on top of that. OR people like you.

I hate that I have to deal with this illness, doctors that don’t know what their doing or are mean, paying a ton to stay alive and everything else for the rest of my life. It is really not fair and I hate it, but I guess the only thing I can do is hope to be able to afford good medical soon.

On another note I signed up for cake decorating classes the other day and they start in Sep. Hopefully they will teach me a lot and be fun! I want to be able to be supper good at cake decorating and get a job doing it! 

I feel like such a dumb girl, I keep saying and writing things saying how it’s the last time and I’m done. Why do you always find a way to make me give you more chances? I think its because I feel like I can’t find anyone else, that you are the one for me and whatever else. But I don’t think love and all that should be this stressful and upsetting.

I don’t think I would ever be able to be with you, because I would always have in the back of my mind the things you have said and done in the past. Always would be wondering when you were going to hurt me again. When you’d say something hurtful or when you’d break my heart again. I don’t want to live life wondering when someone is going to break up with me again or when they’re going to make more dumb mistakes. Or when things will end up like before. I don’t want to be with someone I’ve given so many chances to and still I feel hasn’t changed.

 I hate that I feel bad for you and that I even slightly believe you when you say you will do anything to fix things with us. I know and remember you have said those things before and always it doesn’t work out. I don’t think I can ever forget all you have said and done and I don’t think I can ever let myself be with you again.

I am mad at myself I have given you all the chances I have. You need to let me go and move on, just like I need to let you go. I have told you now over and over I just can’t be with you, I’m done and I will never be able to get out of the back of my mind all that’s happened. Still you don’t get it, you want another chance. I don’t think you know how to be with someone, and I can’t fix that or help with that. You need to fix it yourself. I hope you learn from your mistakes and leave me alone now. I want to be able to find someone who can treat me well and who can love me and never hurt me. I want to love someone who is good for me and who won’t let me down, hurt me or stress me out.

 I wish I could just forget about you and not be hurt anymore and upset by you. I want to live my life not thinking about you ever. I want to find someone else to love and to love me, someone who treats me well and will never let things happen like you did. I can’t keep doing the same things; I can’t ever talk to you again. Hopefully you will stop and not make any more facebooks, because I have blocked all the ones you have made to talk to me. I have also made it so only friends can message me so you’d have to add me before saying anything. I hope I realize before you are even able to say anything it’s you and I hope I have learned not to ever talk to you or have anything to do with you.

I can’t move past all this until I am able to keep you out of my life. I thought I had done that before but you made new facebooks to talk to me. Now hopefully you can’t get me that way because hopefully the way I have it set you can’t message me unless I add you, hopefully I will be able to till its you and not add you. I want to be past all this and have it all be in my past, I want to have it be something that isn’t a big deal to me anymore, something that just kinda fades away. I want to just remember it to not do the same things and that’s all. I want this to be done and over this for good.

You are never going to read this and I am only writing it for myself to get what I need to out and for any one I know to read if they want to. But I am still going to say this to you. Thank you for the good times we had, I thought I loved before you but I think you were my 1^st real love. But now its all done and over. I don’t thank you for the pain you made me feel, the tears or the stress. I hope you learned from what you did how to treat people. Goodbye Tyler, for good this time. 

So on Wednesday night after The kNOw meeting I was helping move and I dropped a big computer tower on my foot. Long story short (because this isn’t about that) I ended up breaking the top of my big right toe and cutting it (laceration), got some stitches and stuff and now I have to wait for it to get better and go see a doctor sometime soon.

Anyways my mom, little brother, sister and I moved to the Sacramento area on Thursday. There are a few reasons why we moved, my mom feels like she will be able to get a job easier here, she knows more people there and she was very unhappy in Fresno. I was born in Sacramento and am excited to be moved back. We found a place that is supper nice, has nice parks around, and even a dog park down the street (we all know how much I love my dog : ) Also Sacramento has bike trails that are really nice and I just got a bike not to long ago, so it would be nice to use it and get good exercise… when my foots better haha.

With all that being said my last day at The kNOw was on Wednesday. I am happy to be moved out of Fresno, but at the same time very sad to be leaving everyone at The kNOw. I have been part of The kNOw for almost a year now (started last August). I’ve been going to meetings every week, I’ve been to almost all of them (I think I missed like 3) so it will be weird not going anymore. I have learned so much, been able to write one (and working on two) articles, some things on the website, be in one of the valley story tellers plays, be more comfortable reading out loud, and so much more because of The kNOw.

I have met some very amazing people and gotten a chance to work with them and get to know/ become friends with them because of The kNOw. I would have never met so many of the great people that are now a part of my life if it wasn’t for The kNOw. I feel like I have gotten a second family, I can share things with all you guys, laugh with you guys, cry with you guys, work with you guys and just play games with you guys. I will never forget any of the members of The kNOw I have met, including the ones I have met that aren’t in the group anymore. I love all of you guys and I thank you guys so much for all the great times I have had with you, I hope we keep in touch and keep being good friends. All of you are great people who have great personalities and talents. I know all of you will go far in life and I hope all of you can be happy because all of you deserve to be happy. I am going to miss all of you guys a lot and hope you all will miss me too haha. Thank you all for all the kind words on my last day, it made me happy to hear everything you guys said. I felt very loved and special because of you guys. I loved all the goodbye hugs too (:

Mai Der,

I want to thank you so much for letting me become a member of The kNOw, I have learned a lot, about writing and just life and other people. I feel like without The kNOw this last year would have been a lot worst for me and I would have been very unhappy. You have made The kNOw such a wonderful place for all of us members and you are a great person. Thank you for always understanding and being there to listen to me and help. Thank you for all the nice things you said about me on Wednesday! Most of all thank you for giving me the chance to be in The kNOw. I am going to miss you a lot! I hope you have a wonderful time in New York.

Anna,

You have helped me with pretty much everything I have done for The kNOw, I have enjoyed having you be my editor, you are so easy to work with and understanding when I need help or need to have a different goal. You’re always there to listen to me and help, when my grandpa was sick and everything you seemed to understand what I was dealing with and were there for me. Thank you for all the help you have given me and all you have taught me, I’m going to miss seeing you and working with you lots!  I wish I was able to spend more time with you on Wednesday but I understand you had other things you had to do.

John,

You started about the same time I did, I remember when you showed us the little book of pictures you took and told us how you got to take pictures at Warped tour, I thought that was so cool, because that is what I want to do for a living, take pictures of bands. I never really got to talk to you about all the stuff you have done with bands and photography. But it was cool hearing stories you told all of us. Thank you for the help you have given me even when I didn’t ask, like the websites you wrote down for me to check out for my article and tips you have giving me. Also I want to say thank you so much for all the kind words/ goodbye Wednesday. It meant a lot to me that you said you felt like me opening up helped others open up more. I’m going to miss seeing you!

I am going to miss everyone at The kNOw but hopefully I will be able to visit all of you sometime! Thank you all (present and past members I have met) for the great and life changing times, I love all of you and will miss all of you, please keep in touch! 

I don’t need to look back or see things to remember why I wouldn’t give you another chance. I remember how many times you have made me feel bad about myself, made me cry and made me feel more hurt by you then probably anyone else in my life.

I knew you would regret braking up with me, not because I think I’m a great person or anything but just because I know how you were and it was weird for you to brake up with me like you did. Or at least to me it was because of what I knew about you and how I thought you felt about me. I remember hoping you would feel bad and end up feeling as bad as you made me feel. I think maybe you have felt that bad now, you say things that make me think you have but, you are a liar so who knows what you really have felt.

I was never going to talk to you again and I was sticking to it but I don’t think never talking to you again would have worked. It hasn’t yet: you just keep on trying to talk to me, by making new facebooks and stuff. Talking to you doesn’t seem to get you to see things the way you should either though. You say you didn’t treat me like shit or lie, but come on we both know you did, and even when I bring up to you some of things that you have done you say yourself that it wasn’t treating me well. You say how at the end of the day I’m the one you think about and that you’re sorry and blah blah, but it’s to late for that. How many times have you said sorry and sweet talked me before? to many to count. Where have I gotten giving you chances? no where. I want to have a guy who will treat me WELL like you USE to do, or better yet, better than you have ever treated me.

I don’t understand you at all, I told you that you have no chance in hell and then you say “what about when I’m back in Cali?” hello?! I don’t care if you’re in my house, in Seattle, in CA, or on the moon.  I said no chance in HELL what part of that do you not get? I didn’t say “because you don’t live close anymore” I said no chance as in  NO CHANCE. Why would I give you another one, after all the ones I have given you that you have messed up? I have told you before “this is the last chance” and you mess that up.

You said something like “so you have no feelings for me anymore”

Its not about feelings anymore, I can’t let myself be with you again. 

As much as I wish things could work I know how you are and that it will end up the same as always. I don’t want to get hurt anymore by you and I don’t see why I would give you any more room to hurt me. 

I don’t get how when I told you, you are pissing people in my life off now by messing with me that you said how you’re not messing with me. I have told you to leave me alone so many times and you haven’t. You are messing with me by talking to me, duh!

And I don’t get why you act like I should be nice to you and be nice with what I say to you. “dang no way in hell” yeah no way in hell is what I said, so what? It’s the truth. Why should I have to or want to try to sugar coat things? After all you have done and said and made me feel. You told me no guy would want me and how you are going to go have sex with some girl and then tell me all about it. Maybe you did say you didn’t mean it after I blocked you and everything and you made a new facebook a while back, but so what you still said those things. I think you would do that and meant them when you said them. You say hurtful things and do things and then try to take them back later all the time with me. It still happened, you still said them and they still hurt me when you said them. How do I know if you didn’t mean them? I think at the time you were pissy for whatever reason and you did think about doing it. Saying no guy would want me because of (insert something I’m self conscious about) hurts me, because I do already think/feel that way.

Sometimes you just can’t take things back and that’s how it is. It also makes me feel insulted that you think I care about what you think I care about. If I did you would know and I wouldn’t be how I am.

Someone asked me if maybe you feel bad and that’s why you won’t leave me alone, maybe that’s it. But if so you should say SORRY and write why and whatnot before adding me or trying to talk to me like nothings wrong and like I should be ok to talk to you. Maybe you should act sorry and maybe you should have took the chances I gave you to show me you would treat me well and that you care. But you didn’t so I’m over it now and I’m just trying to think of how to get you to go away and leave me alone for good. Because I know if I gave you one more chance you would just mess up and hurt me, and I don’t feel like getting hurt anymore.

You will probably never read this because I’m most likely not going to send it to you. Every time I think that I have sent you something long after we broke up, telling you things, how I feel and what you have done to me, you just don’t write back, have blocked me for it (I don’t know why because after a while you try to talk to me again) and you probably don’t read any of the long messages I have sent. So I don’t see the reason in sending this. I maybe one day you will see this but that’s not why I wrote it, I wrote it to get my feelings out and for anyone to read that wants to/ maybe can give me some good advice.  

this is gonna be kinda random but oh well 
I want them to change the name of type one diabetes to something without the word DIABETES. I’m sick of having to explain that I don’t have type two and what type one is and how its not like type two. I’m sick of everyone only knowing things about type two and I’m sick of not being able to just say oh I have “___” and having that be it. I have to explain to 99.99% of people that I didn’t give it to myself, that I didn’t eat shit my whole life, that I could be outside working out 24/7 and eating NOTHING BUT GOOD HEALTHY FOOD and nothing would change. I’m sick of the dumbass things people ask like “oh is that the bad kind?” or “type two is the bad kind” fuck you no its not. a lot of type twos not only can get it to go away but also a lot of them take PILLS and IF they do EVER end up on insulin its not EVERY TIME they eat ANYTHING that they have to give them self insulin. 
k I’m done I gota go put more fucking insulin in my damn insulin pump.

2/19/12

You win you have me sitting here crying.

But I’ve been here before and this WILL be the last time.

I’m not going to let you say all this crap to me and then in a week have you saying sorry.

I’m done with this, I know I’ve said that before but this time it needs to be the last.

I can’t keep buying into your lies. 

You end up making me feel like shit and turning everything I told you that I don’t like about myself to hurt me.

Everything you said only you have said to me or meant when you said to me or whatever, you end up telling me you’ve told other girls. Do I buy that you have? Not really but the not knowing and thinking maybe you did really say those things and meant them to other girls still hurts me because you lied if you told them. You lied to me when you told me you never said, did, showed, meant them to others. 

One thing I can’t stand is a liar. And really girls sending you topless pictures isn’t sluttly? They do it because “maybe they know how to be sexy” ha yeah right. They do it because their slutly, I know you haven’t been with another girl long term so they probably sent those pictures after about a week. And guess what?! They probably send them to other guys.

I could be like you, I could turn in to a jerk and say all kinds of shit about you. Things that would hurt you, things you hate about yourself, I could bring them all up and make you feel like shit the way you do to me. BUT I’m not going to. I’m not that person, I’m not a jerk like you. I don’t treat you that way and I wouldn’t because I’m not that kind of person.  I know a few things just off the top of my head that you don’t like about yourself, I could text you right now and say shit about them, but I don’t.  You on the other hand bring up things I’ve told you about myself that I don’t like. Things you’ve said you like or are ok with. You get mad then bring them up and make them into bad things, make me feel bad about them because you know I don’t like them and you know it hurts me if you say  “oh a guy won’t like you because _______”. 

Saying things like its funny to see how many times I will fall for you saying sorry? That’s not funny that makes you look dumb and like you have no life. Really? You’re going to TAKE TIME to mess with someone? To say sorry and get someone to fall for your lies? That makes you even more pathetic  if you do it for fun or because its “funny”.  You’ve said shit to me before, said you aren’t going to talk to me again, that you are going to try not to love me, and said all kinds of hurtful things too me and then come back to say sorry. You say you didn’t mean it or that you were just trying to upset me or you were making things up, or whatever.

Go ahead and sleep with some girl, really you’re going to tell me all about it after? 

That would just prove you did it just to try to hurt me and that would make you a bigger loser.  I hope to just have you blocked and my number changed by then so you can’t even say anything. I wouldn’t doubt you would just make a new facebook  (like how back in myspace days you made a new one just to talk to me) or something to try to tell me or talk to me but again that just shows you’re a loser. I also wouldn’t doubt you would have someone I don’t have blocked tell me on facebook, but once again, would just show you’re a loser who has nothing better to do than upset me. 

2/20/12

I have changed my phone number now so you don’t have it and hopefully will never get it. I finally was able to re-block you on facebook, I should have never un-blocked you. But I wanted to see if you really did delete it or if that was just another lie you told me. Now I know it was either a lie or you did really just deactivate it and reactivate it like you say you did. Either way I’m glad the 48 hours is up and that I blocked you before you could block me. I would have been pissed if facebooks dumb 48 hour wait from taking someone off my block list to re-block made it so you could block me before I got to block you. Because if you blocked me you would be able to un block me whenever you wanted and then you could see anything I have on facebook and could have talked to me easy. I hope that blocking you and changing my number will get you to go away and never talk to me again. But I don’t know if it will.

If you do ever find a way to talk to me I hope I don’t reply or answer the phone. I want to be done forever with you. I want to be able to find a good guy who will treat me well and who I can trust. I really believe you have been the reason I haven’t found someone. I still thought maybe things would work out with you one day. How could I have found a long term relationship thinking that? I don’t know maybe I could have and just didn’t but I think I needed to let go of you all together before I could find someone. I hope to find someone who treats me better than you ever did and who I can trust and I hope that everything you have said and done to me will not make it harder than it should be to trust someone else. And for you? I just feel bad for the girls that you hurt, maybe you will find a girl that is as big of a jerk as yourself and then you can be with her and be happy together OR you will see how bad she is and it will show you what you have done. So that you don’t hurt anyone else. 

So today was the launch party at Cafe Corazon for The kNOw’s issue 8 magazine, we had a great turn out! The place was so packed it was awesome! News 30 even showed up and interview/ took some footage of the party! I had a great time and I think/hope everyone else did too. 

It was awesome to see all the hard work of doing the magazine pay off by seeing people so happy to be there and pick up a copy of it. I am so blessed to be a part of this amazing group not only because my writing gets put in magazines and on online but also because all the people and friends I get to meet. I have changed/gotten better at a lot of things, like, writing, reading out loud, talking to people I don’t know, and just being more open because of The kNOw I feel like. 

I never thought I would be doing the things I am doing right now. Writing for a magazine, taking photos for a magazine/website. Being open to talking to people I wouldn’t normally talk to, reading out loud, and also being in a play (the valley storytellers) and reading out loud on stage. I love every minute of this stuff and am really grateful to be doing this stuff. 

I have shared with a few people how I use to not ever read out loud. Even in little bible study groups and things like that. But not I am able to do it, I get nervous sometimes but I know I CAN do it if I need to/am asked to/ want to. the valley storytellers thing was awesome for many reasons but one of the is just the fact that I was able to get up in font of about 50 people I didn’t know and read my parts in the play. Now I know I can do that and I never thought I would be able to do that. 

So yeah the last about 6 or so months (from the time I joined the kNOw to now) I have done a lot already and it has been awesome, I just look forward to more events and things!